I am EXHAUSTED. Because I did not sleep last night. Because I have seizures now. So I started Topamax yesterday. And though I was assured by the neurologist and the pharmacist and the pharmacy assistant I harassed incessantly about interactions with the other medications I take that everything was fine to take together, I was a freaking wreck last night. I didn’t want to take my usual anti-anxiety medication that helps me sleep because the Topamax supposedly can make you drowsy. I was hoping one might just take the place of the other.
See. I refuse to be older. I don’t even know what that exactly means, except that I think it means I have a scary reference lodged in my noggin somewhere that when I am 60 years old, I will be that lady with the four different pill boxes labeled not only by day, but by hour. And there will be lists everywhere to remind me of which medication to take when and with or without food, or water, or no water. To chew or not to chew. To store in the refrigerator or in a dark cabinet. And I will have glasses hanging around my neck on a string so I don’t lose them.
I feel no discrimination toward aging itself. I just don’t want my body to feel older than my brain. Right now my brain is at a comfortable 28 or so, and my body is chronologically 37 but running at a steady 32. I can still touch my toes, I don’t creak all that much yet, I have gorgeous blood pressure (100/70) and the heart of a youngster. I like to bounce the basketball around with my son, pick up all 63 pounds of RM to squeeze her, ride bikes with the family, hike with the SGM and walk at night alone for an hour or more. Sure, I’m overweight. But it’s a healthy fat. I could probably beat most of you at arm wrestling because even SGM is terrified when I flex my guns.
Seizures. I’m not real excited to have them. They suck. I have the kind called simple partial. I am awake and remember them. As I said, they suck. It’s like time stops and I am paralyzed while a lightning bolt strikes me in the face and runs down my body. I might have a few jerky movements. I can hear SGM talking to me, but clearly he is noticing at this point that I am busy at the moment. After it’s over, I just want to sleep for days. Or four days. Yeah. FOUR DAYS. That sounds dreamy. But there is shit to get done and I don’t want life passing me by. Certainly not if I’m going to wake up one morning as that old lady with all the pill boxes. I’m going to want to have some fun between now and then.
Anyhoo. So I was nervous about taking the Topamax with my other medication that helps me sleep. So while I noticed after about an hour that the Topamax had “numbed” my brain, I was annoyed because I wasn’t sleepy. So I lay there awake all night not thinking. Which seems pointless. Usually I am at least thinking good shit up while I lay awake in a rage of sleeplessness. Also, I am able to “play” music in my head, which is good and bad, sometimes it is a stimmy loop that is calming to me while it plays in the background and is definitely helpful when I cannot sleep. The Topamax distinctly dulled my ability to “hear” the intricacies of the music (I have been “listening” to the subway violinists, last night they sounded like crap lol). While I can appreciate no seizures and less headaches, and I can even appreciate not being so attracted to every last visual and auditory detail around me, this is a huge step toward bland. I wasn’t looking for bland.
Well. Have a great day. I have to go and play outside now. I’m going to look for my mojo. I think it’s out there in the garden or something.