Ok, so I haven’t been writing on here lately because I have been on hiatus from everything. From Congress-harassing. End-of-school-year-chaos. Reality.
It’s just been a tough time for me in the last couple of months and I realized that I had not stopped moving full-throttle since last summer.
So I slowly began retreating into domestic bliss. Snuggling with the kiddos. Reading books. Actually stocking the refrigerator with food that doesn’t self-preserve through nuclear holocaust. My house is clean, the kids are spending enormous amounts of time in the yard playing while I sway lazily on my porch swing. It’s been a freaking Norman Rockwell painting around here lately.
Until Monday. Until trouble literally arrived at my doorstep.
Three of the dumbest, most obnoxious juvenile delinquents walking by my house in the middle of the day decided it would be neat to threaten to bomb my house. To my face. In front of my eight-year-old son as we were getting into my truck to run some errands.
They repeated the threat two more times.
So I stepped out of my vehicle and politely, with a smile, sweetly mentioned that I would hate to see them get into trouble for joking around like that. These days bomb threats are not taken lightly. I even finished with, “Have a good day, guys.”
I got back into my truck and watched as these little assholes stopped two houses down and waited for me to leave… as if. So I called the routine police line and reported the threat, described all three punks who looked to be about 11 or 12 years old in detail, and asked for a cruiser to come out.
You will love this part.
“The larger boy was about 5-feet-tall and had to weigh about 130 to 150 pounds, he was on crutches and had a bright red, full-leg cast, dark shirt, light-colored shorts. The two smaller boys were thin. One was wearing a dark shirt and shorts, the other was not wearing a shirt and was bouncing a basketball. All three boys were white and had dark hair.”
“We’ll send an officer right out.”
The shitbricks eventually started walking again as I sat in the truck with The Boy waiting for the police to arrive. I could see that the suspects had hobbled and bounced two whole streets away by the time the officer arrived coming from their direction. The officer asked me to recount the incident, which I did using my experience as a patrol officer to give as much relevant detail as possible. The officer then says, “I just drove around several of the neighborhood streets on my way here and didn’t see them.”
I was a little shocked at the cat-like reflexes of the heavy child on crutches with a bright red leg cast, so easily evading police in a completely flat residential neighborhood of one-story houses.
But I was truly stumped by the next question from the officer. “Do you think they have access to bomb-making equipment?”
“I wouldn’t have any idea as I mentioned that I do not know who the boys are. I have worked with young people and can say that I honestly feel that they are deviant little menaces, otherwise I wouldn’t have bothered you all. They threatened to bomb the house of a total stranger with a child, without provocation. And it definitely concerns me that then they waited for me to leave my house. I rather like my home and property and don’t want to see it vandalized.”
The officer babbled on about taking another look for the inconspicuous hobbling youth bouncing a basketball and drove away.
In the middle of a rather peaceful sleep that evening, my neighbor called me at 1130pm to tell me my garbage was on fire.
So I went outside to see two paper lawn bags we had put out on the curb ablaze. Like, there was an accelerant-involved-kind-of-blazing-grass-clippings-fire shooting a good twelve feet into the air underneath my neighbor’s tree.
So I called 9-1-1.
The firefighter said my grass clippings likely spontaneously caught on fire. The police officer on second shift responding to the fire said the previous officer did not take a report on the bomb threat, but he would “take one now.” Gee, thanks. I’m so glad my bomb threat turned out only to be a spontaneous freak-act of nature that is actually worth making record of.
They all patted me on the head and called it a night.
The next day, my neighbor came home from work and as I told him what had transpired the day before, he says, “Those little fuckers??? I heard them go by bouncing their basketball at 1130 last night.”
So I called the responding officer and left a voice mail explaining that the neighbor confirmed it was the same kids that made the threat that set the fire and that it would be nice if he actually followed up and checked with the school resource officer to find out who the KID. WITH. A. BRIGHT. RED. LEG. CAST. might be.
I have not heard back.
So today, I felt creative. I decided to let my inner BAT. SHIT. CRAZY. have a little fun…
CONNECTICUT LAW SAYS
WE CAN SHOOT YOU.
FOR YOUR READING PLEASURE:
Sec. 53a-20. Use of physical force in defense of premises. A person in possession or control of premises, or a person who is licensed or privileged to be in or upon such premises, is justified in using reasonable physical force upon another person when and to the extent that he reasonably believes such to be necessary to prevent or terminate the commission or attempted commission of a criminal trespass by such other person in or upon such premises; but he may use deadly physical force under such circumstances only (1) in defense of a person as prescribed in section 53a-19, or (2) when he reasonably believes such to be necessary to prevent an attempt by the trespasser to commit arson or any crime of violence, or (3) to the extent that he reasonably believes such to be necessary to prevent or terminate an unlawful entry by force into his dwelling as defined in section 53a-100, or place of work, and for the sole purpose of such prevention or termination.
A police report has been filed, and neighbors have submitted witness accounts describing the three juvenile subjects that have threatened this home, its occupants, and committed arson. So please reread above. For your own safety. You have been advised of our rights to protect ourselves and our property.
THIS HOME BELONGS TO A 25-YEAR ACTIVE DUTY SOLDIER OF THE ARMY INFANTRY,
DECORATED WAR VETERAN,
ALSO, UNITED STATES MILITARY TECHNOLOGY IS A BEAUTIFUL THING.
YOU ARE BEING WATCHED AND RECORDED WITH MOTION-SENSITIVE TARGETED SURVELIENCE DEVICES WITH HIGH DEFINITION QUALITY NIGHT VISION.
DIGITALLY RECORDED, CATALOGUED AND SHARED WITH LOCAL LAW ENFORCEMENT.
HAVE A NICE DAY.”
Cheers to BAT. SHIT. CRAZY.
[Ed note: I am fully aware that I misspelled 'surveillance', but my spellcheck wasn't. Good thing deviant minors wouldn't know any better.]